--- after office hours ---

Nov 24, 2008

Feelings....

It's getting emotionally draining these days.
I think about many things...things that I shouldnt be tied down with at this time in the night, but as I look at it, I cant help but think, I can be so transparent.

Who actually sees me?
Who cares?

I feel so minute sometimes.
Like you feel part of something, but yet that thing dont belong to you.

It's like gatherings, you go for gatherings only to be there for the sake of being there.
Many a times, I look forward to gatherings, but gatherings usually dont turn out how I hope they would be.

Maybe I am the kind that likes to call alot of pple for gatherings (afterall, what's a gathering without pple), but I dont mingle well in huge groups.

Maybe Elaine and me are similar in this way. Heee...
Perhaps that's why Lamerz has always stayed the size it is.
Perhaps that's why I have so much feelings about recent gatherings.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

Well,I think I did mention about this topic about 2 years ago...and I almost forgotten about it until I really sat down and reflected on the recent happenings and the new pple that I meet at work and the older friends after we have all started work.

Disclosure.
It's like a balance.
When you put weights on one side, you need to put weights on the other side before it is balanced.
In any relationship,you need both parties to put yourself out there...
There's no point in one talking alot, about their own feelings and the other person listening and not giving their inputs...
It's not about fairness, it's about sharing and letting the other person know how you feel about the topic that he/she is talking about.
Well, at least this is what I think.

Everyone wants to know that what they are saying is being accepted by at least one person. They want to know that their input is valuable. They want to know that they are worth something.

I love talking to pple who loves to share.
I love talking about deep topics.
Probably that's why I am quiet at huge grp gatherings...

I really felt much better when the 3 of us stayed for awhile to talk more.
That was a much better experience than mingling ard, in fact...

There and then, I got to know myself better.

Left a note at 2:21:00 AM

玻璃

Glass ceiling.
Glass barrier.
Glass wall.
Glass shoes.
Glass.

突然有一种感觉，好像自己是吃玻璃长大的。
屡次屡败。屡败屡战。

是否消失显得珍贵；才懂得珍惜；
还是出现显得平常；才让人厌倦？

Left a note at 2:14:00 AM

Nov 14, 2008

I suddenly miss...

Firstly, Missy.
And all our stupid acts tgt.
And all our sweet, warm, rubbish, crappy and funny SMSes.
And all our nonsense tags in our respective blogs.
And all the gossiping and all the small talks about so and so...
And all the times listening to Eric's stories and shaking our head.
And all our times spent miscommunicating and then communicating so perfectly.
And all the times I spent with Missy, be it happy or sad, talking or not talking.
This friendship that we share is so much more than what I had expected to find from you.

Secondly, my Lamerz.
The days when we hang out tgt every day at Mac, 02 or my house.
The days when we get pissed off with each other and need the rest to help patch things up.
The days when we try to spend all the festivals tgt.
The days when we go out shopping tgt.
The days when Pig always say we take her for granted.
The days when we watch DSD tgt.
The days when you guys gave me your undivided support when I had problems with other friends.
The days when we disappointed each other.
The days we will tell each other off.
The days we complain about each other, to, each other.
The friendship that we shared blossomed into something that is special and that is distant yet close.

Thirdly, Eric and Breadie.
For being my buddy and LHS...
For sharing with me another point of view to everything that I see.
For sharing all your happy and unhappy times with me.
For telling me that I am worth something in this world.
For being you.

Finally, my schooling days.
School is really so much better.
You see relationships growing into something.
Once you are in society, you only get a working relationship. Maybe a little more, but definitely not as much as when you are schooling.

Left a note at 1:48:00 AM

今天很郁闷。

For whatever reason that I know of and can think of.
In fact, it's an accumulation of feelings...
From disappointment to anger to losing faith...
Because it just seems to be getting more distant. So distant that I cannot feel anything anymore.
There's no joy, no mood, no emotions, probably just answering for the sake of answering.

I dont like it, in fact, I feel offended.
What's the point of saying you dont want to do it and then calling other pple to do the same thing?
If you dont want to join, please say so.
It's not like I will die knowing that you dont want to do it with our company.

I wasnt that offended at first, but as I sat down to think through the things you said and done, it became rather clear that you were being a little dishonest about the truth.

And what is the truth?
I bet only you know.
You can tell me when you feel like it, but I know you wouldnt, coz we dont feel close enough, or you dont feel close, comfortable or convenient enough to tell.

Things actually turned out pretty nice, maybe I was a little too hasty and ruined things up. That's why things ended up this way. And now, I realised, your equation is very simple.

100 x 0 = 0.

It's simple math. I should have seen the hidden zero right from the beginning and not assume that the zero would increase day by day to something positive.

It's been a long time since I have last been this moody.
Hope the mood will lighten up when we meet the next time.

Hopefully.

Left a note at 1:18:00 AM